Ebook Download Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose, by Ayala Malach Pines, Ayala Malakh-Pines, Ayala Malach Pines
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Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose, by Ayala Malach Pines, Ayala Malakh-Pines, Ayala Malach Pines
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How mystical is love really? Sought after, capable of sending us to emotional extremes from abysmal misery to irrepressible joy, love is often perceived as a force beyond mortal control. Is it as dumb, blind or arbitrary as we often think, and are we subject to its whims? Or do we actually choose carefully, if not always wisely, the partners we do?
Falling in Love shows us that we both consciously and unconsciously select those with whom we have intimate relationships. Written by a renowned psychologist and couple's therapist, this fascinating, engaging mix of psychological research and clinical anecdotes discusses how each of us can, through successful intimate partnerships, help ourselves to grow as individuals. Each chapter concludes with suggestions for those seeking love, and explains how self-knowledge is the foundation to a healthy, satisfying relationship.
- Sales Rank: #1475500 in Books
- Published on: 1999-08-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.21" h x .75" w x 6.14" l, 1.40 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 310 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Don't be fooled by the frothy pink jacket art: this is a dense, academic volume. It addresses every conceivable aspect of the psychology of mate selection in late 20th-century America, giving equal emphasis to social and clinical approaches to understanding romance. The book's first half is devoted to an ambitious and inclusive survey of the experimental literature on the general factors that influence attractionAfor example, similarity, geographical proximity, physical beauty and social status. The second half underscores the relevance of early childhood experiences with and between one's parents in understanding one's attraction to specific persons. Recent clinical theories suggest that we are attracted to persons who are in some critical way similar to our parents and who have the potential to directly stimulate, and thus heal, old childhood wounds. Pines also offers advice to those seeking love. But she does a far better job of educating readers than advising them. Although founded in scientific evidence, her suggestions are brief and simplistic ("try to be in a good mood when you meet new people") and appear to have been tacked on to the end of each chapter simply to appeal to the self-help reader. Though Pine is at her best when laying out complex theoriesAaccurately referring to the original research studies on which her assertions and conclusions are basedAand the material is intellectually stimulating, reading it feels like work. Ten-city tour. (Sept.)
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Kirkus Reviews
A couples therapists clinical look at how and why we fall in love removes some of the mystery from that most magical of human experiences. Pines (Romantic Jealousy, 1992; Keeping the Spark Alive, 1988), a social psychologist and researcher who is also a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues, tackles her subject from both perspectives. As a social psychologist and researcher she analyzes how we fall in love; her clinical experience and psychodynamic theories come into play in the exploration of why we choose a particular person. She draws extensively on three studies: interviews with 100 men and women about their romantic relationships; a cross-cultural study comparing American and Israeli accounts of falling in love; and interviews with 100 couples comparing their reasons for falling in love with later stress in their relationship. Pines describes falling in love as a staged process. First is geographic proximity; then a state of emotional arousal; awareness of the others appealing appearance and personality; discovery of similarities; and finally, with growing intimacy, the revelation of deeper psychological needs and the mutual ability to satisfy them. Gender differences and the evolutionary, social, and psychoanalytic theories that seek to explain them are also examined. As to why we fall in love with a particular person, Pines looks at various psychological theories and concludes that an internal romantic image plays a key role in whom we choose and that childhood experiences of love shape this image. Interviews with four individuals reveal how early relationships with parents affected subsequent romantic ones; Steve, for instance, was abandoned by his father and terrified of the live-in boyfriends of his cruel and demanding mother. He fell in love with a domineering woman and found the relationship exciting but scary, and he remains unattached. Not a how-to guide for the lovelorn but a serious, research-oriented work of special interest to those involved in couples therapy. (11 b&w photos) (Author tour) -- Copyright ©1999, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.
Review
'Ayala Pines takes aim and sends her Cupid's arrow straight at us with this brilliant work, and we cannot help but fall in love with it and what it teaches us about love in our lives. Both a clinical tour de force and a rich practical guide.' - Dale Larson, Ph.D., author of The Helper's Journey and Associate Professor and Director at the Counseling Psychology Program, Santa Clara University, USA
'A couples' therapist's clinical look at how and why we fall in love removes some of the mystery from that most magical of human experiences...Not a how-to guide for the lovelorn but a serious, research-oriented work of special interest to those involved in couples' therapy.' - Kirkus Reviews
'If you expect no definitive answers on either the conscious or unconscious nature of falling in love and making it work, if you are looking for a plausible excuse to examine the intimate relationships of those around you and, perhaps, your own, if you're interested in relationships in the abstract, whether 'true' in its conclusions or not, FALLING IN LOVE is a fascinating book on an ever engrossing topic.' - Isadora Alman, San Francisco Bay Guardian
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 11 people found the following review helpful.
Interesting read.
By Happy mom
This book has an interesting perspective on the human feeling called love, and the reasons why people fall in love. Of course at the end of the day its a perspective, and even if it is backed up with scientific research, tests..etc in my mind love is a subjective matter, and it's very hard to make generalities about such a topic. If you want to get answers to some of your questions, regarding human relationships, and interactions, this book will definitely give you interesting facts.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Great book
By reader
One of the first few books I read when I was starting to explore the psychology of relationships. This book helped me understand more about myself from the perspective of my childhood, and I feel that self-understanding is the prerequisite of healthy relationships. It will be a good idea to start from books such as these before going on to other books which provide a more general style of advice.
Editorial reviews describe the reading of this book as 'work' and more geared towards professionals involved in couples therapy, but I actually quite like the 'heavier' aspects of the book eg. psychological studies, analysis of psychological theories etc. I find them very useful to the understanding of certain ideas instead of simply just accepting these ideas as facts.
I spent 5 days reading this book and could not put it down at times. Very educational stuff! I know so much more about myself than before. However, films about love no longer seem the same, and I used to be a romantic movie buff, because the concept of love has lost much of its mysterious aura for me. Although that probably is a good thing.
51 of 52 people found the following review helpful.
A good place to begin
By Mark
I ran into this book at a time when I was eager to learn more about the nature of romantic relationships. It is an excellent introduction and resumé of the voluminous psychological literature on romantic relationships, and specifically, the process of "falling in love." There are suggestions for self-help, but the reader wishing concrete advice will want to consult other books on the topic, in light of Pines's conclusions. I was impressed with her command of the literature and her extensive research and clinical experience; she is extraordinarily well qualified to have written this book. (Contrast this with something like _Are You the One for Me?_, a preposterously naive discussion of similar themes by someone -- DeAngelis -- who has no evident qualifications.) Ayala Pines has given us an excellent place to begin an exploration of our own and others' relationships. Its style is really not academic, and its tone is warm. No previous knowledge of psychology is necessary.
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